The Story Behind MAA

One day in September 2008 I had lunch with Paul Hollman in Hollywood; the next day I almost died, suffering a brain edema followed by sixteen months of accidents and injuries. A week of critical condition, three months of motionless bedrest and eight months of immobility changed my life.

It seemed like it was time to recreate all aspects of my Self, and I had to break down my belief structure through physical, cellular, and subatomic cleansing. I had many conditions, some which had names, some which didn't. Everyone wanted to know what was wrong with me; I couldn't find a diagnosis that would stick. Each condition lasted weeks, replaced by another. Celebrations were warranted by small achievements, pain became the norm, often preventing sleep. I surrendered. Really surrendered. I attended to my health and bodily conditions with care, and prayed. I was led inwards to be present for myself. It was a journey into the love of the Dark Mother, the void - full of love, purifying heat, and terrifying darkness.

After an initial week of unbearable pain keeping me awake for 6 nights straight, there were seven weeks of not being able to see, talk, swallow or chew, followed by fourteen more months of varying symptoms. Curiously, my cleansing went head to toe (eight months) and inside to outer sheaths (eight months). There were setbacks - personality fragmentation, physical immobility, pain, an unexpected fall in NYC from a 12-foot ledge, a torn ligament from a healing session. New symptoms, new doctors, new dialogues. Medical care helped, hypnosis helped, reiki helped, hands on healing helped. Chiropractic adjustments, massage, acupuncture, meditation, puja, holy water, therapy, clay packs, oil packs, ginger packs... it all helped. It helped create a new me - with new belief structures and neurological connections.

I read books on near death experiences, I sat in silence. I laid in silence. I did a lot of silence. There was no quick fix, I learned to watch. I learned to exist with love. As I toured and met people during this period, people consistently said I looked lighter, younger, happier, even during extreme times of pain. I called on inspiration from saints and sages who continued their spiritual work despite impossible circumstances. I toured Europe on crutches. Even this video (Kripalu clip), where I was wheeled up to the stage in a wheelchair, shows no sign of the unbearable pain I was in. You can't see the bandages around my leg or body!

Many beings showed up to help me. An army of healers helped jumpstart my body and rewire it - Irene Newmark, Jon Ahlstrom, Jim Leary, Atma, Shelly Happel, Lisa Mell, Mirit Eder-Turley, Berholdt in Munich, Samantha von Tariken in Switzerland, Lydian and Ott van de Bunt in Amsterdam, and others. I am also grateful to my friends and family who never gave up on the possibility of life for me - Matthew Martin Kelly, my mom, Sheridan and Norm Traner, James Baldwin. And to Narayan and James Baldwin who offered me their homes as sanctuary while I worked on this CD. Highest praises for Amma who holds a vibration of love for the planet, and for me, one small part of this Universe.

In April 2009, Paul and I took a couple days to record all the songs that I had composed over the last year. Singing them in the studio, I realized they had become my constant companions in silence. Without musical devices or audible recordings, I had chosen to store the information in my heart. Paul and I searched for beats and styles, talked about how the music would be used. Sara Ivanhoe was greatly helpful when she explained to me how she used my music teaching yoga class, what tempos she favored, which mantras she longed to hear. I wanted to supply both meditative tracks and danceable beats for the yoga world, and I studied different styles of danceability - Quincy Jones, Chakka Khan, Michael Jackson, Chick Corea, Stevie Wonder. I listened to filmscores - Slum Dog Millionaire, Avatar. World rhythms and downtempo grooves - Mystic Groove, Talvin Singh, Ustad Rakha Khan, Cheb i Sabbah. The female divas - Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Beth Orton, Mary J Blige, Joni Mitchell. The rappers - Eminem, Katisse Buckinham, Jay Z. I updated myself after being away from the music scene for over a year.

The musicians we gathered for this project were nothing short of the best, a collection of old friends and new talent met on the road. Mike Haziza, beatboxer extraordinaire, joined me on tour in 2009. At first we used him as a percussionist, an addition to the band. But then he got a loop station and started doing the gigs by himself, building beats and loops real time. I wanted to showcase his talent, so he became the drumkit on Love Holding Love. His beatbox solo in the middle of Bhakti Da is just a small sampling of what he is capable of. Rockin.

Katisse Buckingham played alto flute, showcasing his talent and incredible career as a performer alongside Herbie Hancock, the Yellowjackets and other jazz greats. Katisse and I feel the beat the same way, a rapport which binds musicians easily and for life. He has graced many of my CDs and performances with his flute. Katisse beatboxes for his own band, so we used his beatbox on Pahimam, along with a debut of his shehnai (indian oboe) nicknamed The Bean.

Christian Teele played drumkit for us at a gig in Boulder, introduced by my old friend Ty Burhoe. It was magic from the first song, and I knew he should be on the album. Christian recorded himself in Pro Tools. Don't ask him how he got his percussion on Parashakti to sound like Irish clog dancers, he won't reveal his secrets! He blessed Lalitamba with a touch of light cymbals.

Matthew Martin Kelly recorded at Dub Room Studios in Los Angeles on his tricked out Nord keyboard, offering some of the delicious stuff he plays every night on tour. He laid down a bass part on Love Holding Love which was funky and wildly melodic, just perfect for the song. Invocation was an old favorite, played at every show for the past 2 years now, born in Bali, captured on a cellphone recorder and played back to us after we forgot what happened that night! In live performance, I love to hear Matthew sing; that's the only part of his playing we didn't capture on this CD. All his other funky, groovy, ambiant, phasey keyboard stuff is all there, and I'm sure it's just the beginning of the music he will share with the world.

Kirk Margo is an old friend who joined us for two songs - Stay in the Love and Amma. Amma was postponed to the next album because we didn't have enough room on the CD. Kirk has had a rich and fruitful career as a session player.

Sequoia Neptune, goddess, sings with me at many of my live shows. She sings etherically on this album. Her own CD of chants and grooves should be completed this year, a voice like no other.

Paul did an incredible job of engineering and mixing. Old friends and creative partners, we worked synchronistically, analyzing problems and improving both sound quality and song arrangement as we went along. He upgraded his Dub Room Studio to HD (high definition) Pro Tools, which had many improved features for editing and production; but we stayed at a 44.1 kHz sample rate to be compatable with other studios. Paul's skills in the studio and as a fellow composer (we cowrote Love Holding Love) are something I hold with great respect. Paul Hollman and I played various keyboards, basses, guitars, and digital samples. There were hours and hours of editing. Long hours. Beautiful hours. Mixing and editing. Then Seva expertly mastered the CD giving it the highest sonic quality available in the industry.

At the end of a long 2-month tour I arrived in Washoe Valley, NV. Sheridan Traner, my friend and housemate, had arranged for us to stay at Michael Gilbert's house. When I walked in the door, what greeted me was nothing but the Sri Yantra I had been meditating on throughout the whole healing project. Michael, a student of Buddhism and meditation, a master visual artist, had painted the Sri Yantra as a study in sacred geometry. I felt this was the blessing marking the end of the tour and the conclusion of my healing. I still had several more months before I regained full health, but this really marked the moment I felt I had 'arrived' back into my life. We arranged a photo shoot the next morning, and as I began to set things up I noticed the sun coming in the window. I looked for something shiny to reflect the sunlight onto the Sri Yantra and the result was astonishing. After 15 minutes the sunlight passed but the moment had been captured on film and video. It was a blessing I can barely describe to you, a feeling of completion and grace through the most strenuous spiritual lesson in this life. The sunlight Sri Yantra was used to create the cover graphic and the normal light Sri Yantra was used on the traycard.

There were certain songs that accompanied me through my healing. Amma and Om Sri Matre were close companions, sung in times of pain. Shakti allowed me to tell my story in rap, and use its repetition onstage to heal my heart. Lalitamba held a vision that one day I would be able to dance again like the great goddess.

Bhakti Da and Jagatambe were resurrected after sitting idle for two years. Bhuvaneshwari was written in Puerto Vallarta on retreat in Feb 09. Pahimam and Shanti were written to fulfill a need for groove and dance. Love Holding Love was written for Matthew Martin Kelly with love. He called my months of immobility "The Mummy Tours" because he had to carry me to the gig, unwrap me from blankets, scarves and sunglasses, perform, then wrap me back up and carry me out. They were not easy months! Ganga was the celebration of the river, my constant companion through many lives. Sequoia Neptune, my goddess back-up singer, played me Robby Svoboda's Soundwalk and I became intrigued by the idea of worshipping the Mother as the river. Stay in the Love was my prayer for my daughter, half lullaby/half trip hop groove, a prayer of love and protection as she makes her way into the adult world. The mother/teenager relationship is not easy; I used this song to align my energy with her in love.

Pahimam came on September 21st, 2009, the Fall Equinox, the one-year anniversary of my near-death, and the day some ongoing personal and financial matters came to a close. I was only three days from going back on tour, depleted from traveling and studio time and the incredible but mostly sleepless Bhaktifest (the first one was in 2009), and I wasn't sure I had the energy to write one last song. I had only the word Pahimam and nothing else. By chance I was staying at James Baldwin's house and I awoke early to walk on the beach. As the surfers came at sunrise to bathe in the waters of the Ocean, I saw not surfers but so many men coming to worship the Mother with delight, reverence and anticipation. The song came easily and the album was complete.

And so it is, this project was born... I offer it to you as my journey of personal transformation. May all beings be happy.
Jai Ma,

wah !

The quote on the album cover is from a teacher in the Paramahansa Yogananda lineage who said, "The practice of retreat and solitude for spiritual aspirants is well established. Usually, the student will ask the Guru and with his permission enter into a year of introspection, healing and self-inquiry. Going up into the mountains, he will endure physical hardships and austerities and gain spiritual wisdom. Sometimes when the student does not submit to it voluntarily, the Universe will arrange it."

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